Welcome to my 30-day self care challenge. And welcome to the New Year!
Over the next month, we will work together to create new habits and routines that will help promote your health, spirit and mind. Research has shown that in order to change behavior — and therefore, to create new habits — we need to stick with the new actions and mindset for about a month. Long enough to lay down some tracks, create some muscle memory, but not so long that we give up. We’ll also be using evidence based techniques for creating new, healthier attitudes and the routines that will help us meet our goals.
A few guiding principles before we get started:
First, perfection is not the goal. Instead, let’s aim for consistency and learning from the moments when we get off track. The more we take the time to look at obstacles to self-care, we’ll find the workarounds and strategies that will help us be successful the next time around.
Second, feel free to share your experiences! We can all learn from one another.
Third, we all describe self-care in different ways. For some, it may be setting aside more time for personal interests, or just a soak in the tub. For others, there may be exercise and dietary goals, a special project, even a career or educational goal that you want to pursue. So for today, all you need to do is set out 2-3 objectives to work on over the next 30 days. No more than that, we don’t want to get overwhelmed. Take a few minutes to choose some things that will help brighten your day. And then, imagine how it will feel a month from now. Are you more rested? Content? Feel stronger in your body? Better focus? More creative? Sealing goals and objectives with a specific visualization often helps us return more readily to the task.
Looking forward to taking the next step with you tomorrow!
Over the next month, we will work together to create new habits and routines that will help promote your health, spirit and mind. Research has shown that in order to change behavior — and therefore, to create new habits — we need to stick with the new actions and mindset for about a month. Long enough to lay down some tracks, create some muscle memory, but not so long that we give up. We’ll also be using evidence based techniques for creating new, healthier attitudes and the routines that will help us meet our goals.
A few guiding principles before we get started:
First, perfection is not the goal. Instead, let’s aim for consistency and learning from the moments when we get off track. The more we take the time to look at obstacles to self-care, we’ll find the workarounds and strategies that will help us be successful the next time around.
Second, feel free to share your experiences! We can all learn from one another.
Third, we all describe self-care in different ways. For some, it may be setting aside more time for personal interests, or just a soak in the tub. For others, there may be exercise and dietary goals, a special project, even a career or educational goal that you want to pursue. So for today, all you need to do is set out 2-3 objectives to work on over the next 30 days. No more than that, we don’t want to get overwhelmed. Take a few minutes to choose some things that will help brighten your day. And then, imagine how it will feel a month from now. Are you more rested? Content? Feel stronger in your body? Better focus? More creative? Sealing goals and objectives with a specific visualization often helps us return more readily to the task.
Looking forward to taking the next step with you tomorrow!
Day 2 -- Take a step forward
One way to help us stay the course when we want to grow is to turn broad goals into specifics and break them into small steps. Move from “I want to lose weight” to “I want to lose 10 pounds” to “I will skip dessert this week.” Or, "I need more exercise" becomes “I will go to yoga 3 times this week".
So, sit down with the items you laid out yesterday and see how specific you can make those goals. Then, choose one of those small steps and do it! Put it in your calendar — now — so that it happens today. Studies show that the more we commit to something — either putting it in a calendar, telling a friend we’ll meet them at an exercise class or for a walk — the more likely we will do it. Getting started, even in small steps, always creates some momentum and a reminder of how good it actually felt!
Finally, I want to share with you a wonderful article I read yesterday in the New York Times about self-compassion. www.nytimes.com/2017/12/28/smarter-living/why-self-compassion-beats-self-confidence.html?_r=0 Yesterday I had mentioned a lack of self-confidence as a possible obstacle to change. Reading the article reminded me that we often need to become more compassionate toward ourselves before we can get to self confidence. Self compassion is giving ourselves permission to make mistakes, to be less than perfect and to pat ourselves on the back for the small steps that we do take forward. Think of it as treating yourself with the kindness that you extend to others.
So, sit down with the items you laid out yesterday and see how specific you can make those goals. Then, choose one of those small steps and do it! Put it in your calendar — now — so that it happens today. Studies show that the more we commit to something — either putting it in a calendar, telling a friend we’ll meet them at an exercise class or for a walk — the more likely we will do it. Getting started, even in small steps, always creates some momentum and a reminder of how good it actually felt!
Finally, I want to share with you a wonderful article I read yesterday in the New York Times about self-compassion. www.nytimes.com/2017/12/28/smarter-living/why-self-compassion-beats-self-confidence.html?_r=0 Yesterday I had mentioned a lack of self-confidence as a possible obstacle to change. Reading the article reminded me that we often need to become more compassionate toward ourselves before we can get to self confidence. Self compassion is giving ourselves permission to make mistakes, to be less than perfect and to pat ourselves on the back for the small steps that we do take forward. Think of it as treating yourself with the kindness that you extend to others.
Welcome to Day 3!
Wishing you a wonderful day! I hope that you don’t experience this program as “boot camp”, since it’s not meant in that way. But we are all aware of how easily we put aside our own needs — particularly as parents, in our jobs or as caretakers for others — in the rough and tumble of daily life. This initial focus on planning, setting goals and committing to a practice of self care is aimed at shifting the lens through action.
It’s not unlike the practice of yoga. The initial postures and sequences may be challenging, even intimidating. But with practice comes muscle memory, ease, and opening. Cultivating and nurturing the body, spirit and mind. That’s where we're headed.
Finally, take time today to think about the senses — taste, smell, sound, sight, touch, motion, body awareness. What speaks to you? What feels good, what is elusive and why? By getting more in touch with our senses we also become more grounded in the present, rather than worrying about past or future. What can you do today to stay present and care for yourself?
It’s not unlike the practice of yoga. The initial postures and sequences may be challenging, even intimidating. But with practice comes muscle memory, ease, and opening. Cultivating and nurturing the body, spirit and mind. That’s where we're headed.
Finally, take time today to think about the senses — taste, smell, sound, sight, touch, motion, body awareness. What speaks to you? What feels good, what is elusive and why? By getting more in touch with our senses we also become more grounded in the present, rather than worrying about past or future. What can you do today to stay present and care for yourself?
Day 4 -- Hanging in
I’m always struck by the shift from holiday mode to “real life”. For me, its so much easier to make resolutions, commitments and plans when I have an abundance of time and energy or when I’m not having to navigate conflict or manage competing demands.
Clearly, the holiday is over. We are all beginning to get pulled in multiple directions, familial and professional. Yesterday I got annoyed — very annoyed, actually — by a family member’s behavior, someone who by now really should know better. Lots of other small things also went wrong, or at least sideways, making me feel stuck and irritated.
It is in these types of moments that we most need our strategies for self care.
First, we often need to create some space and distance from the irritants. Take a walk, do a mindless chore that will get you out of any looping, negative thoughts. I decided to sweep the garage and my anger out into the drive. Relatively satisfying on both counts!
Second, look for something positive that will distract and refresh you. Think about what your body, mind and spirit need right now — and listen to your intuition. What will be most soothing, get you re-centered and recharged? A few quiet minutes or doing something you love often go a long way.
Finally, I got out of my own head and looked around. Across the way, there were several adults with developmental disabilities, setting up for their usual Wednesday outdoor market. All at once, I had perspective again, gratitude for all the ways in which my life has been blessed. And confidence that I would indeed move beyond the irritations of the day.
Day 5 -- Accepting Help
This is a challenge for me. I have been fiercely independent and self reliant much of my life, in spite of strong attachments to family and close friends. I tend to believe that I need to know all the answers, soldier through tough times and not be vulnerable or dependent on others. And, especially as a psychologist and clinician, aren’t I supposed to be all knowing and strong?
Needless to say, this approach has its limitations. If nothing else, it’s a lot to carry around.
Yesterday, a good friend, perhaps unknowingly, tapped into it. She commented on how my job placed such high expectations on me. At the time, I smiled and brushed it off, “Oh, I guess I’m just used to it.” But later in the day, I was really touched by her thoughtfulness and kindness. Her recognition of the pressures that I feel, even when I’m not necessarily aware of them.
And in that moment, and again today when I thanked her, I was reminded of my vulnerability and need for that recognition and support.
Again, another form of self compassion. Allowing ourselves to feel vulnerable, to take the time to acknowledge all that we do for others, all the stressors, losses and desires that we have. Not feeling guilty when we feel burned out, or just bored. And giving ourselves permission to accept — maybe even ask for -- help from others.
So today, think about where you might need help in your life. It could be something small or large. But take the opportunity to ask for some help. Chances are, others are more than happy to give.
Needless to say, this approach has its limitations. If nothing else, it’s a lot to carry around.
Yesterday, a good friend, perhaps unknowingly, tapped into it. She commented on how my job placed such high expectations on me. At the time, I smiled and brushed it off, “Oh, I guess I’m just used to it.” But later in the day, I was really touched by her thoughtfulness and kindness. Her recognition of the pressures that I feel, even when I’m not necessarily aware of them.
And in that moment, and again today when I thanked her, I was reminded of my vulnerability and need for that recognition and support.
Again, another form of self compassion. Allowing ourselves to feel vulnerable, to take the time to acknowledge all that we do for others, all the stressors, losses and desires that we have. Not feeling guilty when we feel burned out, or just bored. And giving ourselves permission to accept — maybe even ask for -- help from others.
So today, think about where you might need help in your life. It could be something small or large. But take the opportunity to ask for some help. Chances are, others are more than happy to give.
Day 6 -- Staying Grounded
One of the keys to self care is to begin to know what we need. But that requires stopping, listening, feeling, and being present long enough to identify those needs.
For me, physical exercise has often been the gateway. I used to run long distances, often 6-10 miles at a pop. The first couple miles were wrapped up in working out the kinks and shedding the morning to-do list, the small annoyances and anxieties. And then, I would fall into a rhythm, my body relaxing, my mind open to the beauty of the woods, the smell of the wet grass. Refreshed and grateful.
Today, it was yoga. Feeling the breath, expanding it, challenging myself to open up parts of my body that typically resist. Later, feeling the strength in my back, arms and legs. And through that physical release, honoring the strength that I can bring to my life, rather than resisting those challenges.
So look around. Take a moment to appreciate the warmth of the sun, the flowers blooming, a song that lifts your spirits. Get lost in it, even if for only a few moments. Let it carry you along, without expectations, and see where you land. You may be surprised.
For me, physical exercise has often been the gateway. I used to run long distances, often 6-10 miles at a pop. The first couple miles were wrapped up in working out the kinks and shedding the morning to-do list, the small annoyances and anxieties. And then, I would fall into a rhythm, my body relaxing, my mind open to the beauty of the woods, the smell of the wet grass. Refreshed and grateful.
Today, it was yoga. Feeling the breath, expanding it, challenging myself to open up parts of my body that typically resist. Later, feeling the strength in my back, arms and legs. And through that physical release, honoring the strength that I can bring to my life, rather than resisting those challenges.
So look around. Take a moment to appreciate the warmth of the sun, the flowers blooming, a song that lifts your spirits. Get lost in it, even if for only a few moments. Let it carry you along, without expectations, and see where you land. You may be surprised.
Day 7 -- You made it! First week down!
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Congratulations -- you've made it through the first week! I'm hoping that thinking about and taking time for self-care is beginning to weave itself throughout your day. We want self-care taking its place closer to the center, rather than being pushed aside and relegated to the background, something to do once you've finished with work, caregiving, chores, chores, etc. If we are honest with ourselves, that daily to-do list never ends. So self-care needs to find its way regularly onto that list -- and toward the top!
Let me know if you have questions, want to brag or complain about how things have gone so far. Take a moment to fill out the adjoining form. There's nothing like a bit of social support and encouragement to keep us going with a new task or challenge. Today I've got a link to some articles from the NY Times on sleep, another form of self care that frequently gets neglected. A number of studies show that getting good sleep leads to improvement in our alertness, mood, immune system, capacity to exercise as well as to maintain a healthy weight. But again, in our busy lives, good sleep can be elusive. This article has some good advice about how to set yourself up for restful, nourishing sleep. Certainly for me, the way I feel after a good night's sleep is almost magical! See the article here at www.nytimes.com/guides/well/how-to-sleep/why-is-sleep-good |
Day 8 -- Letting Go
In the coming days, I'm going to share with you more information about mindfulness meditation. A growing body of research suggests that a mindfulness practice can help improve our health and ability to manage stress. Today I want to focus on a central tenet of mindfulness, one that can be used in a seated practice, but more importantly, as you go through your day.
As we've all experienced, it's all too easy to get caught up in worry, anxiety, negativity and pessimism. These negative feelings and thoughts are especially "sticky" in the human mind, owing at least in part to our evolution. Sensitivity to negativity kept us alert to predators and enemies in our earlier forms. And some degree of anxiety can make us more productive, focused and engaged.
But too much anxiety and worry will quickly take us down the proverbial rabbit hole where we cannot move forward or think more creatively about our challenges. In those moments, we need to step back, take several deep breaths, and let go.
Easier said than done, perhaps. And that's why we practice. One technique that has helped me in those worry-obsessed moments is to remind myself that these thoughts are just that -- thoughts -- and will indeed pass. Sometimes I imagine them as clouds, passing through the sky and moving on. And with some distance from the thoughts comes a bit of clarity, and the ability to look at the issue from a new angle.
Try it. The next time you feel yourself flooded with anxious thoughts, take a few moments in a quiet space and breathe. Slow it down, especially the exhale, which will help shift your body into a more relaxed state. Close your eyes, and watch the thoughts march by. Just observe, don't judge, don't try to stop them -- just let them run their course. I promise, the thoughts and worry will subside and you'll be able to move back into the day with greater ease and confidence.
As we've all experienced, it's all too easy to get caught up in worry, anxiety, negativity and pessimism. These negative feelings and thoughts are especially "sticky" in the human mind, owing at least in part to our evolution. Sensitivity to negativity kept us alert to predators and enemies in our earlier forms. And some degree of anxiety can make us more productive, focused and engaged.
But too much anxiety and worry will quickly take us down the proverbial rabbit hole where we cannot move forward or think more creatively about our challenges. In those moments, we need to step back, take several deep breaths, and let go.
Easier said than done, perhaps. And that's why we practice. One technique that has helped me in those worry-obsessed moments is to remind myself that these thoughts are just that -- thoughts -- and will indeed pass. Sometimes I imagine them as clouds, passing through the sky and moving on. And with some distance from the thoughts comes a bit of clarity, and the ability to look at the issue from a new angle.
Try it. The next time you feel yourself flooded with anxious thoughts, take a few moments in a quiet space and breathe. Slow it down, especially the exhale, which will help shift your body into a more relaxed state. Close your eyes, and watch the thoughts march by. Just observe, don't judge, don't try to stop them -- just let them run their course. I promise, the thoughts and worry will subside and you'll be able to move back into the day with greater ease and confidence.
Day 9 -- Benefits of Mindfulness Meditation
Yesterday we tried out a bit of mindfulness meditation, just a taste of how it works. Attending to the breath, feeling the body begin to relax, watching the thoughts and letting them go. Shifting from our fast-paced, often critical mindset into something slower and softer. It's another tool that we can use in our daily self-care routines.
Today, I wanted to share a brief link with you that lays out some of the benefits of mindfulness. A little bit of motivation and encouragement to play with these techniques! Here's the link:exploreim.ucla.edu/mind-body/the-benefits-of-mindfulness-meditation/
Today, I wanted to share a brief link with you that lays out some of the benefits of mindfulness. A little bit of motivation and encouragement to play with these techniques! Here's the link:exploreim.ucla.edu/mind-body/the-benefits-of-mindfulness-meditation/
Day 10 -- Rituals
Small, daily rituals are another source of comfort and self-care. They can play many different roles, adding structure, serving as a "time out" from the busyness of our day, or provide a reminder of the things that we care about the most.
My rituals do all of these things. I start each day with a short walk around the neighborhood with my dogs, taking a few minutes to appreciate the cool air, maybe a sunrise, maybe a veil of fog over the mountains. As often as I can, I go to a morning yoga class, clearing some mental space, connecting with friends and building some strength and energy with which to face the day. When I was younger, I often escaped from my office job for a lunch-time walk through the city streets. Even if I ended up eating my lunch at my desk, it was refreshing to get up, move and shake off whatever had happened in the morning. And it's no accident that so many of these rituals are physical, given that much of my work requires intense mental and emotional energy. Finally, I usually wear one or more bracelets on my left wrist, reminders of loved ones or experiences that I want to treasure.
So take a look at the routines and rituals in your daily life. Think about the small pleasures that you might be able to incorporate into your day. And see what happens -- a little bit of magic often goes a long way.
My rituals do all of these things. I start each day with a short walk around the neighborhood with my dogs, taking a few minutes to appreciate the cool air, maybe a sunrise, maybe a veil of fog over the mountains. As often as I can, I go to a morning yoga class, clearing some mental space, connecting with friends and building some strength and energy with which to face the day. When I was younger, I often escaped from my office job for a lunch-time walk through the city streets. Even if I ended up eating my lunch at my desk, it was refreshing to get up, move and shake off whatever had happened in the morning. And it's no accident that so many of these rituals are physical, given that much of my work requires intense mental and emotional energy. Finally, I usually wear one or more bracelets on my left wrist, reminders of loved ones or experiences that I want to treasure.
So take a look at the routines and rituals in your daily life. Think about the small pleasures that you might be able to incorporate into your day. And see what happens -- a little bit of magic often goes a long way.
Day 11 -- Feeling strong
Another way to take care of ourselves is to speak up. To stand tall, not let others push us around. To be true to our values and take on the world with integrity and grace.
Doing so is rarely easy. For me, these interactions often generate enormous anxiety, short-circuiting my focus and energy. And while I often advocate confidently for the children and families with whom I work , doing so for myself has been hard. Much easier to roll over, capitulate and keep the peace, rather than stand up for what I need and deserve.
Then I spent last weekend with a group of enormously talented, creative and empathic women, at a retreat devoted to nurturing ourselves. Through yoga and other workshops, a recurring theme emerged, highlighting the ways in which all of us have found strength in adversity. Somewhere along the way, I felt something shift. A loosening up of the fear and doubt.
Today, the shift was palpable. Ironically, my morning yoga class had been a tough class. But by holding my own during those challenging sequences, I was inspired to take on today with strength and grace. To be clear in my words, not let my anger and anxiety sweep me up and away, and to stay true to what I needed. Not only did I achieve my goal, but I remained clear, calm and focused throughout a difficult negotiation. And grateful -- in fact, beyond grateful -- to the dear friends who helped me tap into that strength.
A humble warrior indeed.
Day 12 -- Finding the path
My commute home goes through a small town that typically becomes gridlocked during the late afternoon hours. Over the years, I have tried a variety of work arounds, diving down side streets, crossing over to the west side of town and then coming back to the main road. All in the name of forward motion and shaving a few minutes off of what is already a long drive.
But the other day, I noticed a bright blue car in front of me. When we got to the backup, he pulled into the melee while I crossed the highway and did my usual “short cut.” I was feeling a bit proud of myself, since the driver of the blue car had previously cut me off at another intersection. I smugly thought I was going to get the better of him.
You know where this is going.
When I came back to the main road, the light was changing. The blue car passed through the intersection, as I sat at the light. All that motion, planning, “cleverness” had led both of us to the same place at the same time.
Of course, there are times when thinking through how best to carry out a project or task pays off. But this moment struck a chord with me. That in many cases, perhaps we can let go, accept the struggle, inconvenience or annoyance — and know that we will indeed emerge intact on the other side.
Day 13 -- Be Kind
First, of course, be kind to yourself. Several of these daily posts have underscored the need to show ourselves compassion and appreciation. When we tap into and acknowledge our own needs, we return to our other responsibilities with greater alertness, energy and maybe even some enthusiasm.
But today, in honor of Dr. King, is also a national day of service. A day in which to look at the needs within our communities and help out, in small and large ways. CNN has a brief article that outlines some ways in which you might want to join. www.cnn.com/2018/01/14/us/iyw-mlk-day-make-a-difference-volunteer-trnd/index.html .
And how does this relate to self-care? If we stop to think about it, being kind and thoughtful benefits not only the recipient, but also the giver. It takes us out of our own irritations and worries and shifts the perspective, if only for a few moments, to someone else. And, on days when perhaps we are being particularly critical of ourselves, it's a reminder that we are indeed good and kind people.
Again, you can try this in small ways. Holding the door for someone, letting someone go in front of you in the line at the grocery store. Telling a colleague that you liked their latest work, thanking a teacher for a yoga or exercise class. Even just smiling at someone you pass on a street or in a store. Chances are, they will smile back. Small steps, or large, if we begin to extend ourselves to others, we may also begin to feel more nurtured and cared for within our communities.
But today, in honor of Dr. King, is also a national day of service. A day in which to look at the needs within our communities and help out, in small and large ways. CNN has a brief article that outlines some ways in which you might want to join. www.cnn.com/2018/01/14/us/iyw-mlk-day-make-a-difference-volunteer-trnd/index.html .
And how does this relate to self-care? If we stop to think about it, being kind and thoughtful benefits not only the recipient, but also the giver. It takes us out of our own irritations and worries and shifts the perspective, if only for a few moments, to someone else. And, on days when perhaps we are being particularly critical of ourselves, it's a reminder that we are indeed good and kind people.
Again, you can try this in small ways. Holding the door for someone, letting someone go in front of you in the line at the grocery store. Telling a colleague that you liked their latest work, thanking a teacher for a yoga or exercise class. Even just smiling at someone you pass on a street or in a store. Chances are, they will smile back. Small steps, or large, if we begin to extend ourselves to others, we may also begin to feel more nurtured and cared for within our communities.
Day 14 -- Pay attention
One of the key ingredients to mindfulness is this notion of paying attention. If we are meditating, we might attend to the breath, watching it come and go, experiencing the rise and fall of our chest and belly. If we are watching our thoughts, we take note of what passes through our mind, acknowledging and then letting go.
There are other actions that can be paired with this exquisite focus. If we are out for a walk, we might invoke all of our senses -- the crunch of the gravel below our feet, the cool breeze against our cheek, the smell of the trees. A meal can also become a meditation, in which we savor the tastes, scents and textures of the foods. If we do arts and crafts, we can get lost in the creation of a new design, the rhythm of knitting needles, the satisfaction of a project complete. Athletes talk about being in "the zone" -- but artists of all types will report a similar effect when immersed in their work.
Most of us go through much of the day chasing an endless "to do" list, often juggling multiple tasks simultaneously. But shifting our focus to something we love, or even just to our breath or thoughts, helps us to clear the mental radar screen and to come back into our life a bit renewed and refreshed. Try it, even for just a few minutes a day, and see what happens. You may find that the focus you initially cultivate in a seated or walking meditation begins to show up in other aspects of your life, such as your relationships or work. Benefits all around, just from a shift in focus.
There are other actions that can be paired with this exquisite focus. If we are out for a walk, we might invoke all of our senses -- the crunch of the gravel below our feet, the cool breeze against our cheek, the smell of the trees. A meal can also become a meditation, in which we savor the tastes, scents and textures of the foods. If we do arts and crafts, we can get lost in the creation of a new design, the rhythm of knitting needles, the satisfaction of a project complete. Athletes talk about being in "the zone" -- but artists of all types will report a similar effect when immersed in their work.
Most of us go through much of the day chasing an endless "to do" list, often juggling multiple tasks simultaneously. But shifting our focus to something we love, or even just to our breath or thoughts, helps us to clear the mental radar screen and to come back into our life a bit renewed and refreshed. Try it, even for just a few minutes a day, and see what happens. You may find that the focus you initially cultivate in a seated or walking meditation begins to show up in other aspects of your life, such as your relationships or work. Benefits all around, just from a shift in focus.
Day 15 -- Halfway through!
Great job! You are already halfway through this challenge. I'm hoping that you are finding strategies, rituals and activities that provide greater ease, confidence and comfort in your life. Please let me know if you have questions or comments.
Day 16 -- Soak in the wisdom
One of the benefits of mindfulness and meditation is that we have the chance to step back and observe our thoughts and actions. These moments of reflection help us to identify our triggers, our "hot buttons" and the maladaptive ways in which we react to challenging situations. We begin to observe patterns in ourselves, maybe even ways in which we sabotage ourselves. We can ask ourselves if there might be a different path. Mindfulness also helps to separate the emotion from the thoughts and actions, allowing us to see how our feelings may be driving our actions or distorting the way we think.
The trick in all of this is to observe, learn and let go. If we get caught up in self-blaming, negative loops, we only increase our distress and are less likely to shift and generate new and better solutions. Instead, take these moments of reflection as a chance to learn and to forgive. After all, we often talk to our children about learning from mistakes -- shouldn't we offer ourselves the same opportunity?
The trick in all of this is to observe, learn and let go. If we get caught up in self-blaming, negative loops, we only increase our distress and are less likely to shift and generate new and better solutions. Instead, take these moments of reflection as a chance to learn and to forgive. After all, we often talk to our children about learning from mistakes -- shouldn't we offer ourselves the same opportunity?
Day 17 -- Forgive
Some days are harder than others. There are more obstacles and distractions. We didn't sleep or eat well and we just can't seem to shake off the irritability. Maybe it's a headache, a cold that just won't go away. We have so many plans for the day, and instead feel at best as though we are treading water.
In these moments, it is so easy to beat up on ourselves. We are so used to being in charge, taking care of things, ticking off items on the to-do list. And when we feel stymied, we often go toward the negative. Blaming ourselves, focusing on all that went wrong, ratcheting up the irritation and distress, and of course, making a challenging situation even harder.
Instead, try forgiveness. More specifically, forgive yourself. We all have these days. Chances are, we were operating on overload anyway. So stop, breathe, be kind to yourself. Give yourself what you need. After all, that's what a loved one would do for you, right?
In these moments, it is so easy to beat up on ourselves. We are so used to being in charge, taking care of things, ticking off items on the to-do list. And when we feel stymied, we often go toward the negative. Blaming ourselves, focusing on all that went wrong, ratcheting up the irritation and distress, and of course, making a challenging situation even harder.
Instead, try forgiveness. More specifically, forgive yourself. We all have these days. Chances are, we were operating on overload anyway. So stop, breathe, be kind to yourself. Give yourself what you need. After all, that's what a loved one would do for you, right?
Day 18 -- Passion
One of the ways that we can feed our soul is to find our passions. These are the activities that excite us, that provide meaning to our lives, that fill our thoughts when we wake and again as we fall asleep.
Some people are lucky and have made their passion their work. I have had many such people in my life -- writers, artists, economists, winemakers, yoga teachers, psychologists, lawyers, teachers and others. In many ways, the underlying passion for the work is what keeps us going when other aspects -- administrative, political, staff conflicts, etc. -- are more frustrating.
My dad wasn't as fortunate. He worked as a salesman, without much enthusiasm, because that was the best way he knew to support his family. But he had two passions -- music, and working with his hands. His involvement in both hobbies carried him well past his working years, buoyed his spirits and was a continuing source of pride.
So look around, think about what makes you excited. It may be your job, a community project, a hobby, artistic endeavor or a political issue. It may even be more than one thing. But take some time, even if it's only a few minutes a day, to immerse yourself in something that brings you joy and satisfaction. Not only will it brighten your day, but chances are, your involvement may add to the lives of others.
Some people are lucky and have made their passion their work. I have had many such people in my life -- writers, artists, economists, winemakers, yoga teachers, psychologists, lawyers, teachers and others. In many ways, the underlying passion for the work is what keeps us going when other aspects -- administrative, political, staff conflicts, etc. -- are more frustrating.
My dad wasn't as fortunate. He worked as a salesman, without much enthusiasm, because that was the best way he knew to support his family. But he had two passions -- music, and working with his hands. His involvement in both hobbies carried him well past his working years, buoyed his spirits and was a continuing source of pride.
So look around, think about what makes you excited. It may be your job, a community project, a hobby, artistic endeavor or a political issue. It may even be more than one thing. But take some time, even if it's only a few minutes a day, to immerse yourself in something that brings you joy and satisfaction. Not only will it brighten your day, but chances are, your involvement may add to the lives of others.
Day 19 -- Listen to your body
In our 21st century lives, we are constantly bombarded with enormous amounts of information. Many of our jobs have become highly data driven -- market information, performance indices, sales or production goals, etc. With our children, spouses or partners, we are often juggling multiple calendars, mapping out complex schedules, keeping track of school and medical information, birthdays and other social obligations. And of course, thanks to the magic of technology, we have an endless stream of information -- literally-- at our fingertips.
With so much information to manage, it's no surprise that many of us live in our heads, rather than our bodies. On my busiest mornings, I often have to remind myself to get out of my head, even for a few minutes, and appreciate the fog, hills and vineyards as I drive down through the valley.
And that's where we get into trouble. We get so wrapped up in problem solving and task completion we stop paying attention to our environments -- and more importantly, to our bodies. We ignore the tightness in our neck or jaw, the fatigue, the spottiness of meals. We may even get caught up in exercise goals, pushing ourselves further than makes sense. Suddenly, we crash and burn -- a migraine, a pinched nerve, a head cold, irritable and exhausted.
So this week, let's pay a bit more attention to our bodies. Appreciate the ability to move fluidly. Take the time to feed ourselves nourishing and tasty meals. Respect our body's unique biorhythms, especially around sleep. And let's listen for the warning signs. Get up and away from the computer or other devices, as often as every 30 minutes or less. Take a walk around the office or the neighborhood, feel your feet strike the ground. Stretch and move, releasing the tension that many of us hold in our shoulders, necks and jaws. If you go to yoga, feel your way into the poses, rather than snapping immediately into the ultimate expression. Perhaps you need to move your head, bend your knees, sway your hips from side to side. Or maybe you need a day off, a day to rest and restore your energy.
Your choice. Listen, respond, renew.
With so much information to manage, it's no surprise that many of us live in our heads, rather than our bodies. On my busiest mornings, I often have to remind myself to get out of my head, even for a few minutes, and appreciate the fog, hills and vineyards as I drive down through the valley.
And that's where we get into trouble. We get so wrapped up in problem solving and task completion we stop paying attention to our environments -- and more importantly, to our bodies. We ignore the tightness in our neck or jaw, the fatigue, the spottiness of meals. We may even get caught up in exercise goals, pushing ourselves further than makes sense. Suddenly, we crash and burn -- a migraine, a pinched nerve, a head cold, irritable and exhausted.
So this week, let's pay a bit more attention to our bodies. Appreciate the ability to move fluidly. Take the time to feed ourselves nourishing and tasty meals. Respect our body's unique biorhythms, especially around sleep. And let's listen for the warning signs. Get up and away from the computer or other devices, as often as every 30 minutes or less. Take a walk around the office or the neighborhood, feel your feet strike the ground. Stretch and move, releasing the tension that many of us hold in our shoulders, necks and jaws. If you go to yoga, feel your way into the poses, rather than snapping immediately into the ultimate expression. Perhaps you need to move your head, bend your knees, sway your hips from side to side. Or maybe you need a day off, a day to rest and restore your energy.
Your choice. Listen, respond, renew.
Day 20 -- Dialing it down
An important tool, both for relaxation as well as tuning into our bodies, is the process of progressive muscle relaxation. You've probably come across this intervention, maybe even tried it. It's a tried and true method for relaxing the body and mind and has been shown to help manage stress, anxiety, insomnia and chronic pain.
I've included a link that helps you settle in and try out this technique on your own. www.anxietybc.com/sites/default/files/MuscleRelaxation.pdf Over the years, I've tweaked and modified the routine a bit, making it my own, something familiar and comfortable that I can slip into when I need to dial back the anxiety, agitation or rumination. Not only does the act of relaxing the body help us to settle down physiologically, the mental focus creates a distraction and helps us step away from the worries and stress that created all of the muscular tension.
Once you've played with this relaxation routine, you can also apply parts of it to your body throughout the day. For example, I tend to tense up in the jaw, especially when I drive, am in a hurry to finish something, or even during exercise. I have even caught myself clenching my jaw during yoga, especially when trying to go deeper into a challenging pose. But if I can call up the memory of how those muscles around my face feel when I am relaxed, there's a real shift and more ease, both physically and mentally. And that's all we're aiming for -- a bit more lightness in the day.
I've included a link that helps you settle in and try out this technique on your own. www.anxietybc.com/sites/default/files/MuscleRelaxation.pdf Over the years, I've tweaked and modified the routine a bit, making it my own, something familiar and comfortable that I can slip into when I need to dial back the anxiety, agitation or rumination. Not only does the act of relaxing the body help us to settle down physiologically, the mental focus creates a distraction and helps us step away from the worries and stress that created all of the muscular tension.
Once you've played with this relaxation routine, you can also apply parts of it to your body throughout the day. For example, I tend to tense up in the jaw, especially when I drive, am in a hurry to finish something, or even during exercise. I have even caught myself clenching my jaw during yoga, especially when trying to go deeper into a challenging pose. But if I can call up the memory of how those muscles around my face feel when I am relaxed, there's a real shift and more ease, both physically and mentally. And that's all we're aiming for -- a bit more lightness in the day.
Day 21: Acceptance
So many of us, men and women, have body image issues. We want to be thinner, stronger, sexier. We complain about our hair, skin, eyelashes. Huge industries have grown up around these issues -- diets, cosmetic surgery, aestheticians, exercise studios, dozens of websites devoted to improving our looks.
In this environment, it's easy to get caught up in a never-ending chorus of self-criticism. And honestly, even some of the most attractive people I know continue to find fault with themselves. It seems that near perfection does not lead to satisfaction.
Accepting who we are and what is more realistic and attainable would probably eliminate significant stress in our lives. But getting there is hard. One strategy is to focus more on how you feel on the inside, and trust that the exterior will reflect that inner strength and grace. When I came back from a yoga retreat recently, a friend told me that I was "glowing." And I have taken to doing my yoga away from the mirrors, feeling the alignment and strength evolving in my body, worrying less about whether my clothes flatter me.
We may never fully escape our culture's obsession with physical attractiveness. But if we can create goals that resonate within our own bodies, we may be pleasantly surprised by the gains we make in our health and day to day satisfaction.
In this environment, it's easy to get caught up in a never-ending chorus of self-criticism. And honestly, even some of the most attractive people I know continue to find fault with themselves. It seems that near perfection does not lead to satisfaction.
Accepting who we are and what is more realistic and attainable would probably eliminate significant stress in our lives. But getting there is hard. One strategy is to focus more on how you feel on the inside, and trust that the exterior will reflect that inner strength and grace. When I came back from a yoga retreat recently, a friend told me that I was "glowing." And I have taken to doing my yoga away from the mirrors, feeling the alignment and strength evolving in my body, worrying less about whether my clothes flatter me.
We may never fully escape our culture's obsession with physical attractiveness. But if we can create goals that resonate within our own bodies, we may be pleasantly surprised by the gains we make in our health and day to day satisfaction.
Day 22 -- Home stretch!
Congratulations -- you've made it through more than 3 weeks of the 30-day challenge. By now I expect that you're seeing some shifts in your daily routines and patterns, as well as in the ways in which you are thinking about yourself and others. I'd love to hear what's working or not, any questions or thoughts, any issues you'd like to cover in the next few days. Let me know how it's going!
Day 23: Creating New Habits
When we move toward greater self care, we often come across "bad" habits that are not consistent with our new goals and ambitions. We realize how much time we spend getting lost on social media, or discover eating habits and patterns that are hard to change. We might plan to exercise more, but then realize we are falling back into our old patterns, almost as though a magnet was pulling us, resisting the new habits that we want to create.
There are different ways to make the shift. An important element is to make the new patterns as close to "autopilot" as the old ones. If you want to change your eating patterns, do some meal prep, so you can simply grab the pre-made lunch or breakfast without thinking. Buy only what you need, for at least 4-5 days. You want enough food in the house to keep you going and resist the temptation to order out, but you also don't want to get bored, eating the same couple of things for a week. Allow yourself some small treats here and there, so that you don't get caught up in cravings.
The same principles apply to exercise. I have learned that if I save my workouts for the late afternoon or evening, they just won't happen. Instead, I lay out my clothes at night so that when I get up, I'm already dressing in my exercise clothes. I leave just enough time to get dressed, the dogs out and fed and then down to the gym or yoga studio, without time to get lost in email or other chores.
Finally, making appointments in your calendar or creating a daily to do list are other ways to keep yourself on track with new habits. Not only do these actions create accountability, but we reap some satisfaction from being able to check off those items. Some of these strategies may feel like little mind games, but indeed, we sometimes need a boost to make the leap to new habits.
There are different ways to make the shift. An important element is to make the new patterns as close to "autopilot" as the old ones. If you want to change your eating patterns, do some meal prep, so you can simply grab the pre-made lunch or breakfast without thinking. Buy only what you need, for at least 4-5 days. You want enough food in the house to keep you going and resist the temptation to order out, but you also don't want to get bored, eating the same couple of things for a week. Allow yourself some small treats here and there, so that you don't get caught up in cravings.
The same principles apply to exercise. I have learned that if I save my workouts for the late afternoon or evening, they just won't happen. Instead, I lay out my clothes at night so that when I get up, I'm already dressing in my exercise clothes. I leave just enough time to get dressed, the dogs out and fed and then down to the gym or yoga studio, without time to get lost in email or other chores.
Finally, making appointments in your calendar or creating a daily to do list are other ways to keep yourself on track with new habits. Not only do these actions create accountability, but we reap some satisfaction from being able to check off those items. Some of these strategies may feel like little mind games, but indeed, we sometimes need a boost to make the leap to new habits.
Day 24 -- Reconnect
There are things in life that slip through our fingers. Things that were once meaningful, soothing, filled our hearts and souls. Perhaps a hobby, a friendship, a secret place that we escaped to when younger.
What has slipped through your fingers? And can you pick it up again? Reconnecting with these past loves and passions can deepen the meaning and satisfaction in our days, even if it's just in small ways. Reach out to an old friend, listen to music that once sent chills down your spine, re-read a book that took your breath away. Savor the moment and maybe even re-ignite the passion.
What has slipped through your fingers? And can you pick it up again? Reconnecting with these past loves and passions can deepen the meaning and satisfaction in our days, even if it's just in small ways. Reach out to an old friend, listen to music that once sent chills down your spine, re-read a book that took your breath away. Savor the moment and maybe even re-ignite the passion.
Day 25 -- Grace
Not all days go as we plan. Children get sick, schedules come undone, maybe the car or an appliance acts up. Our nicely written to-do lists go up in smoke.
In these situations we can choose how to react. We may be frustrated, anxious, overwhelmed. And we certainly should acknowledge those feelings. But then what? What is the benefit of holding onto the negativity? Chances are, we'll just stay stuck, rehashing our irritation or anxiety over and over.
Another option is to let it go. Acknowledge and move on. Accept that your plan for the day or the week is about to change, and set your mind on how best to accommodate. Accept that maybe not everything will be done. And the world is unlikely to end. After all, there's always tomorrow.
In these situations we can choose how to react. We may be frustrated, anxious, overwhelmed. And we certainly should acknowledge those feelings. But then what? What is the benefit of holding onto the negativity? Chances are, we'll just stay stuck, rehashing our irritation or anxiety over and over.
Another option is to let it go. Acknowledge and move on. Accept that your plan for the day or the week is about to change, and set your mind on how best to accommodate. Accept that maybe not everything will be done. And the world is unlikely to end. After all, there's always tomorrow.
Day 26 -- Limits
One of the ways in which we wear ourselves out is to create unrealistic standards and goals. We make a lengthy to-do list, ache for perfection in our relationships or bodies, take on too many projects at work -- and then realize we are exhausted, even burned out. A critical element in nurturing our own self care is to understand and respect our limits.
So many of us are tempted to pack much more into a day than is realistic. Or, we work and rework the same task, aiming for something even better. But, when we apply pressure to a rubber band, at some point, it will snap apart. Can we look instead for the sweet spot, where we are satisfied with a job well done and still have energy and enthusiasm for whatever comes next?
Parenting is especially rife with these moments. It's easy to get wrapped up in helping with homework, driving to sports and lessons, volunteering at school, hosting play dates. Sometimes the lines get blurred -- are we so invested for our kids' sakes, or also for our own? Being honest with ourselves about that question may lead to better boundaries and expectations.
Take a look at your roles and responsibilities. Where are you giving too much, where are you craving more time? Take a look and find small ways to create more balance. Say no. Encourage others to pick up part of the load. Maybe tolerate less than perfection. Chances are you'll experience more lightness and ease.
So many of us are tempted to pack much more into a day than is realistic. Or, we work and rework the same task, aiming for something even better. But, when we apply pressure to a rubber band, at some point, it will snap apart. Can we look instead for the sweet spot, where we are satisfied with a job well done and still have energy and enthusiasm for whatever comes next?
Parenting is especially rife with these moments. It's easy to get wrapped up in helping with homework, driving to sports and lessons, volunteering at school, hosting play dates. Sometimes the lines get blurred -- are we so invested for our kids' sakes, or also for our own? Being honest with ourselves about that question may lead to better boundaries and expectations.
Take a look at your roles and responsibilities. Where are you giving too much, where are you craving more time? Take a look and find small ways to create more balance. Say no. Encourage others to pick up part of the load. Maybe tolerate less than perfection. Chances are you'll experience more lightness and ease.
Day 27: Reflect
In our daily rush of responsibilities, we rarely take the time to think, take stock and reflect on our experiences. How often have you found yourself suddenly irritated or tearful over the smallest things? We all know, it is rarely the event in that moment that prompts that reaction. Instead, we have finally hit overload, having glossed over other disappointments and frustrations, and the emotion just bubbles up and over.
One way to build a buffer is to start a simple journal. It can take whatever form you like. The bare bones version would be a brief outline of the day's challenges -- perhaps even just in bullet form. Acknowledge the tough moments in the day and maybe, even the ways you worked through them. But even more importantly, take a few minutes to identify the things for which you're grateful. The silly moment with your daughter in the bath, the way the sun looked as it came down through the trees, the satisfaction of getting something done. A few minutes a day, acknowledging the good and the bad, helps to put it all in perspective. And, by taking the time to reflect, patterns and lessons emerge, making us stronger and more adept at navigating the day.
One way to build a buffer is to start a simple journal. It can take whatever form you like. The bare bones version would be a brief outline of the day's challenges -- perhaps even just in bullet form. Acknowledge the tough moments in the day and maybe, even the ways you worked through them. But even more importantly, take a few minutes to identify the things for which you're grateful. The silly moment with your daughter in the bath, the way the sun looked as it came down through the trees, the satisfaction of getting something done. A few minutes a day, acknowledging the good and the bad, helps to put it all in perspective. And, by taking the time to reflect, patterns and lessons emerge, making us stronger and more adept at navigating the day.
Day 28: Nearly there!
As you look back over the past month, here are the questions:
What has worked?
What wasn't a good fit?
What are you still working on?
Lessons learned?
The last point is perhaps the most important. We are all learning, every day. And mistakes often provide the best learning opportunities. Let me know how this journey has affected you.
What has worked?
What wasn't a good fit?
What are you still working on?
Lessons learned?
The last point is perhaps the most important. We are all learning, every day. And mistakes often provide the best learning opportunities. Let me know how this journey has affected you.
Day 29 -- Savor the small moments
Sometimes we are unaware of the ways in which we bring joy and lightness to others.
This afternoon I was pruning back a large rose bush in my front yard. A neighbor, out on her afternoon walk, smiled as she approached me. I commented on the warmer weather and the need to get the plant ready for spring.
Then she started to talk about the bush, how it always grows so large, the vividness of the colors and how it seemed to bloom for much of the year. As she talked, I realized that she had paid attention, many times, to this one rose bush. And that I, by taking care of it, had in some small way touched her life.
It's these small moments that make a difference. Our actions, large and small, have an impact on our environment, our neighbors, even complete strangers. It puts a whole new spin on how we might act with more intention and care. But it also offers the possibility of bestowing these simple gifts, and discovering the pleasure that arises in their wake.
This afternoon I was pruning back a large rose bush in my front yard. A neighbor, out on her afternoon walk, smiled as she approached me. I commented on the warmer weather and the need to get the plant ready for spring.
Then she started to talk about the bush, how it always grows so large, the vividness of the colors and how it seemed to bloom for much of the year. As she talked, I realized that she had paid attention, many times, to this one rose bush. And that I, by taking care of it, had in some small way touched her life.
It's these small moments that make a difference. Our actions, large and small, have an impact on our environment, our neighbors, even complete strangers. It puts a whole new spin on how we might act with more intention and care. But it also offers the possibility of bestowing these simple gifts, and discovering the pleasure that arises in their wake.
Day 30 -- Congratulations!
We did it! Thirty days to renew, reflect, reconnect. I hope that you've learned something from this journey and that your life has a bit more ease and comfort. These posts will remain on the website, so feel free to come back anytime. As always, let me know if you have questions, thoughts or comments.
Namaste,
Melanie
Namaste,
Melanie